1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

2. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.

3. You know the WWF is fake and you don't care.

4. One small suitcase is enough for a five-day vacation.

5. Monday Night Football.

6. You don't feel you have to monitor your friends' sex lives.

7. Men's bathroom lines are 80% shorter, and they move 40% faster.

8. You can open all your own jars.

9. Friends don't give a hoot if you've lost or gained weight.

10. Mechanics and plumbers don't try to rip you off.

11. When surfing through the TV channels, you don't feel you have to linger on every program showing somebody crying.

12. Your butt is never a factor in a job interview.

13. All your orgasms are real.

14. Pamela Anderson Lee.

15. Psychopathic killers in hockey masks almost never attack guys.

16. You don't have to lug a bag of stuff around everywhere you go.

17. You know how a carburetor works.

18. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.

19. You get to keep your last name.

20. You can leave a hotel without making the bed in your room.

21. When somebody criticizes your work, you don't feel that everyone secretly hates you.

22. You can kill your own food.

23. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

24. The garage is your turf.

25. If you say 6:00 PM, you'll be there promptly at six.

26. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.

27. You never have to clean a toilet.

28. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.

29. You never have to worry about getting a bad reputation because of the women you sleep with.

30. Wedding plans take care of themselves.

31. If someone forgets to invite you to a party, he or she can still be your friend.

32. $10 for a three-pack of underwear.

33. The Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue.

34. None of your co-workers has the power to make you cry.

35. You don't have to shave below your neck.

36. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy butt every night.

37. If you're 34 and single, nobody notices.

38. You can write your name in the snow.

39. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.

40. No nose jobs, no tit jobs, no liposuction, no facelifts.

41. Chocolate is just another snack.

42. You can be President of the United States, or even... Prime Minister of Canada! (we sure put that Kim Campbell in her place, didn't we...).

43. You don't feel you have to drive halfway across town immediately to return a $2.00 item you just bought that's defective.

44. Flowers fix everything.

45. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earth's population in 15 tries.

46. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.

47. Cindy Crawford.

48. You think your buddy is only slightly weird when he says that dogs are lucky to be able to lick themselves.

49. Three pairs of shoes are enough.

50. You can say anything and not worry about what people think.

51. Foreplay is optional.

52. None of the guys will take offense if you dump all over Michael Bolton.

53. Nobody stops in the middle of a good dirty joke just because you walked into the room.

54. You can whip off your shirt on a hot day.

55. You don't feel you have to clean your apartment the night before the cleaning lady is coming.

56. You never feel compelled to stop a buddy from getting laid.

57. Tradesmen and car salesmen don't bullshit you.

58. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.

59. You can fish in silence with your buddy for hours without even thinking that he must be mad at you.

60. The world is your urinal.

61. You never misinterpret casual statements to mean your lover is about to leave you.

62. Burping the alphabet is an art form.

63. Only clowns wear makeup.

64. One mood. All the time.

65. You can admire Steven Segal without starving yourself to look like him.

66. You never feel you have to drive to another gas station just because this one's too sleazy-looking.

67. Claudia Schiffer

68. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.

69. Equal work - not equal pay.

70. You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.

71. Wedding dress, $2,000 - Tux rental, $100.

72. You're not hung up about whose toilet you shit in.

73. You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back.

74. There is always a game on somewhere.

75. Mud wrestling.

76. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.

77. Mariah Carey's legs.

78. TSN.

79. People never steal glances at your chest when you're talking to them.

81. Bachelor parties beat bridal showers hands down.

82. Movie nudity is virtually always female.

83. You can buy condoms without the pharmacist imagining you naked.

84. You don't have to pretend you need to "freshen up" to go for a whiz.

85. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your friends you've changed.

86. Someday, you'll be a dirty old man. 87. You can rationalize any behaviour with the handy phrase "F*ck it!"

88. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit as yours, you might become lifelong buddies.

89. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.

90. The occasional well-executed belch is practically expected.

91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood.

92. The remote is yours and yours alone.

93. No gardening shows, no Oprah, no soaps, no Martha Stewart. Ever.

94. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

95. Porn movies are designed just for you.

96. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.

97. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.

98. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So... notice anything different?"

99. Baywatch

100. During hunting season, you get to drive around town with dead animals on the hood of your vehicle.
 


Thanks to Pam in California for the original text. I've made a substantial number of changes, with due respect to the original author.

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