I'm Glad I'm A Woman

Man, I'm Glad I'm A Man

I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am 

I don't live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam 

I don't brag to my buddies about my erections 

I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions 

I don't get wasted at parties and act like a clown

and I know how to put the damned toilet seat down!

I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt

my belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut 

and I don't go around "readjusting" my crotch

or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch

I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind

I'm a woman you see -- I'm just not that kind! 

I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing 

I don't have body hair like shag carpeting 

It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back 

When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack 

And what's on my head doesn't fall off when I comb

I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome 

Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side 

I'm a woman, you know -- I've got far too much pride!

And I honestly think it's a privilege for me 

to have these two boobs and squat when I pee 

I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball 

I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal 

I won't tell you my wife just does not understand,

stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band 

or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep 

then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep! 

Yes, I'm glad I'm a woman, a woman you see 

you can forget all about that old penis envy 

I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks

join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick 

I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful it's true 

I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you! 

Every day I give thanks to God 

I was born a man instead of a broad 

When Oprah comes on, I turn off the TV 

I don't shave my legs, I stand up to pee 

I go to a barber, not a beauty salon 

Don't pluck out my eyebrows just to draw them back on 

Don't wax my pubes so I can wear shorts 

I use my turn signal, I understand sports 

Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man 

Tell you the reason I am 

I don't go through a faze every 28 days 

Man, I'm glad I'm a man 

I pay cash at the grocery, no cheques or coupons 

Don't bring a lot of friends when I go the the john

I don't throw a fit when I break a nail 

I don't buy shoes just because they're on sale 

I don't apply makeup in my rear-view mirror 

I don't think of Bambi when I'm out hunting deer 

I drink beer from a bottle, not from a glass 

I don't ask my friends about the size of my ass 

Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man 

Tell you the reason I am 

I don't face the pain of water-weight gain 

Man, I'm glad I'm a man 

Let me tell you ladies 

Listen to me ladies 

I love those things inside of your blouse 

I love your pretty faces 

Your warm and soft embraces 

But if I had my own two boobs, I'd never leave the house 

I don't spend two hours getting ready for a date 

I don't play with dolls unless they inflate 

When someone asks me my age, I never lie 

After sex in bed, my spot's always dry 

I don't read about orgasms in Vogue magazines 

I don't mind if my dates try to get in my jeans 

I don't spend a fortune on French lingerie 

This is the same underwear I wore yesterday 

Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man 

Tell you the reason I am 

I don't take a pill, I don't use Massengill 

Man, I'm glad I'm a man 

Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man 

Tell you the reason I am 

I find Michael Bolton completely revoltin' 

Man, I'm glad I'm a man.

Thanks to Chris in BC for this.
1998

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